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Three Rules for More Successful Dating: How You Avoid the Traps of Being Single

  • Written by  Bill Lee
Don’t Judge a Book By Its Cover Don’t Judge a Book By Its Cover

When Ryan landed his dream job as a junior partner for a Manhattan law firm, he was ecstatic.

At age 28, he’d spent his college and law school years studying hard, and reading dating articles in magazines like GQ, Esquire, Maxim, and Men’s Health.

“Like all my guy friends, I was looking for the good life I’d read about in those zines, Ryan recalls, “especially lots of no strings sex with hot women.”

But what Ryan and an increasing percentage of young males are finding in the dating scene isn’t quite the hedonistic paradise they’d dreamed of.

In fact, Ryan says he and his buddies have discovered some new rules of the road when it comes to handling women and dating in the 21st century.

Rule Number One: Don’t Judge a Book By Its Cover

Most guys would rank a pretty face and attractive body as the most important features they looked for in a woman.

But Ryan says physical attractiveness has become less important for him and his male friends.

“A lot of girls have had plastic surgery, and they’re wearing gobs of make-up,” he notes. “Besides that, the prettiest ones are getting hit on constantly. They have an attitude.”

Ryan’s friend Jim says he wants a girl who is “height and weight proportionate,” because “fitness attractiveness means a girl cares about herself and has some discipline.”

Other than that, he says, looks aren’t the determining factor anymore.

“Pretty is as pretty does,” Jim explains. “I’d much rather have a so-called ‘average-looking’ girlfriend who’s honest, intelligent and nice than a beautiful one who’s a mean and manipulative player.”

Rule Number Two: Get to Know the Person Before You Jump in Bed

Sex sells, and young people especially are under tremendous pressure from their reproductive hormones, advertising and culture to grab as much sexual pleasure as possible as soon as possible.

But sexual activity comes with a heavy potential price, including sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, and emotional trauma.

When Carl, a 26-year-old financial consultant met a girl who consented to have sex with him only a few minutes after he’d met her at a bar, he felt like he’d “won the lottery.”

Not only that, he says, but the “sex was truly great and she told me she didn’t want any romance or emotional attachment at all.” Sounds too good to be true?

Things changed after a few weeks. For Carl, the sex was less and less exciting because “I had no connection with her other than in bed, and it felt like we were using each other.”

At the same time, the girl was developing feelings for Carl, even though she and Carl had “nothing in common other than lust,” and she was being transferred to a job a thousand miles away.

Both parties cried a lot of tears, and said some cruel things to each other, before saying an unpleasant goodbye. Carl says it wasn’t worth it.

“I knew virtually nothing about her, but she knew about  my hobbies, where I lived, and where I worked. I know it sounds old fashioned, but my motto these days is ‘friends first.’ I find it more satisfying to get to know someone as a person, find out if we’re compatible as friends, and let the physical part of the relationship come as a result of the friendship,” Carl says.

Rule Number Three: Don’t Expect to Meet a Nice Girl In a Sleazy Place

A lot of people assume the only place to meet potential dating partners is in a bar or nightclub. But those places are stacked with a disproportionate number of people who have a love affair with alcohol and hard drugs,  not with other humans. It’s like that old saying: “She’s making love to another martini.”

So where are you going to meet nice girls, if not in a place where the smell of booze and the din of loud music clouds your senses and rots your mind?

“After a year in LA, I was so over the club and bar scene, you couldn’t get me to one if you paid me,” says Seth, a 33 year old who owns a repair shop specializing in BMW’s, Cadillacs and other luxury cars.

Bored and lonely, Seth used his free time to join a softball team, volunteer as a reading teacher for disadvantaged youth, and take some community college classes.

“The women I met in these activities were just plain better than the ones I’d met in clubs,” Seth reports. “More down to earth, trying to do something to help the community, and more social skills. It was refreshing.”

Now engaged to a woman he met while volunteer teaching, Seth tells his single male friends there’s hope- if you know where to look.

“Look for a good person in places where good people are likely to be,” he counsels. “If a girl cares enough to be volunteering her time to help the community, that’s a pretty good indicator that she’s a quality person you’d be proud to bring home to mom.”

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Last modified on Wednesday, 03 November 2010 23:48

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