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Six Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Psycho

Your girlfriend could be a psycho! Your girlfriend could be a psycho!

We’ve all been there. Everyone has a crazy ex story to tell. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could recognize budding psychosis before it reaches the ‘try to run you over with your own car’ phase? Read on…


I’m realistic. I know girls can be a bit nuts when they buy into that ‘gotta have a boyfriend or I’m worthless as a human being’ crap. (I usually stand there and watch the train wreck happen, ‘cause I’m a little sadistic that way. But, in the interest of improved gender relations, I’ll clue you guys in on certain signs you may want to look for if you get the feeling that your girlfriend REALLY means it when she says she ‘can’t live without you…’)

  1. Wants to implant a Bluetooth in the skin under your ear. OK, it might not be that dramatic, but watch out for the girl who insists on calling every single phone number you’ve given her multiple times in a ten minute window and then gets hysterical when you finally do get back to her, accusing you of cheating.
  2. Appears at all your ‘guy’ hangouts uninvited… heck, you don’t want to know how she knew you’d be at the local adult video store, let alone where it is. Then she starts expecting you to leave with her as soon as she shows up. Classic controlling behavior - in fact, cults use this type of action to cut you off from your friends and make you utterly dependent on them, so think about that for a minute.
  3. You’ve dated twice and she keeps leaving copies of Brides magazine laying around… Dude. Anyone that eager to clamp on the ball and chain is either knee deep in credit card debt or pregnant. Or she’s a secret axe murderer. Call around the local insurance agents and make sure she hasn’t taken out a death benefit policy in your name.
  4. Telling blatant lies to see if you’ll call her on it. Some girls will weave enormous tales of deception to push you to the limit. If they can get you to accept their wild stories, they can manipulate you. Be particularly afraid if her stories involve beating up guys twice her size. Hide all sharp implements and stay far away when she is deep-frying food. When she leaves the house, change the locks and have a friend tell her you died.
  5. Munchausen Syndrome. If every time you plan on taking a night to go out with the guys, she turns up sick and needs you to stay home and take care of her, a warning flag should go up. This flag is even bigger and redder when you find she’s mixed rat poison into the sugar bowl.
  6. She dresses you obsessively. Does every outfit you wear have to meet her approval? Do you show up for bowling night in a dress jacket with a pocket square? Run. Run fast and far. Trust me, you do not want to know what she used to do to her Ken doll.

If you are lucky, your girlfriend is fairly normal. If she displays one of these signs, you may be able to get her help in time. If she continues with her psycho behavior or develops two or more symptoms, take steps to have her committed. You don’t want to have to be forced into shooting her like a rabid dog. Seriously.

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Last modified on Thursday, 20 September 2012 17:07

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